One day at a time.

I survived the week! Luckily I had a good companion to help distract and push the time by at a rapid pace. Can’t believe tomorrow is the day. Tomorrow I go in for my first appointment at the cancer center. Terrified. I’m not sure what to expect from this appointment. That alone is scary. Isn’t it? Fear. Fear is an illusion, it’s our imaginations left on their own, like unsupervised children, fear goes wild, it runs as far as it can and if we don’t watch it, we too become tangled into that mess. Fear, it’s the minds pretend play, ego’s favorite thing. My partner asked me during a very scary time to list my fears, so I did. We then kept checking back and sure enough, one by one those fears dropped away, never coming true, not even close. Such a large percentage of fear never leaves the mind yet it is fully capable of keeping us up at night, robbing us of good times, good food, good love, breathing, smiling, fear is a bitch, yea? I fear a lot. Ugh.


I can’t say enough about the people that have helped me through this week. Tiffany, even while facing her hysterectomy this week has been so supportive of my fragile ass. She also pointed me in the direction of another support group on Facebook called, “BRCA Sisterhood” what an amazing group! They ladies there have really helped. Sometimes just someone saying, “you’re not alone” is enough to push you to the next minute, then the next and soon you’re out of your head, the darkness, the scary stuff. BRCA Sisterhood has done that. If you’re reading this, look there, you won’t regret it.

Also, FORCE (Facing our risk of cancer empowered) what an amazing name, huh? I haven’t gotten to fully use their services but have gotten in touch and received the warmest email informing me of books that might help, a seminar, words of encouragement etc. Again, just someone stopping to be nice during these times is enough to move you to tears.

Another unrelated to BRCA contact we made this week would be meeting some members of the Chan Group here in town. Ever feel like you’re meant to be at a certain place at a certain time? This was that moment this weekend. All of a sudden on the way home we find ourselves detouring and walking through an Asian festival where we sampled vegan food, watched beautiful music being played and met the Chan group. A quote from their site, “The teaching starts with facing the self, accepting the self, maturing the self, and eventually letting go of the self, which is awakening of wisdom and compassion that leads to harmony, peace, and compassion for the world.” Meeting the spokesperson for that day and hearing that peace in his voice was amazing. I long for that. I need more meditation, yoga and family in my life. He could not of come across a better family. We can’t wait to get over there for a day retreat soon.

In other news, my Dr called today and informed me that my blood work showed I am pre-diabetic. Well crap. It appears that 60+ pounds I’ve gained in 2 years has caught up with me. This wasn’t shocking exactly but was still a mild surprise to hear formally. I’m aggravated with myself. This is a turning point. For sure a wake up call. 30 is not messing around! I think the Universe is telling me to get shit together already. This is my year, damn it.  Since the start of learning of my BRCA connection I sort of grew more rigid in veganism. It has always been there, always circled back to it, always wished and hoped and sometimes even maintained a vegan life for extended periods of time. But this time. Yea. My life depends on it. My sanity. My everything. For me, vegan is my souls language, my body responds in ways that are truly a miracle when I stand strong in veganism. There is no time like now for a miracle, am I right?

So that is where I am. Getting ready for this appointment tomorrow, then a couple more on Friday, then a big 41 farm tour over the weekend, then the littles birthday soon, big test days for me and then….who knows. Hopefully good stuff, yea? I’m ready for that. The divorce was hard, these are supposed to be the easy years, right?

Wish me luck tomorrow….


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