{You only turn 90 once…so lets humiliate you and piss you off real good}

The first Saturday we were here as a family (Raigen, Mo and I all together) was also Gramela’s Mommy’s birthday! She was turning 90 so it was a biggen!

I was a touch nervous, not gonna  lie. Not because I’m meeting more of her family or anything but because her Grandmother is notorious for being….opinionated… I was caught up on how she might be…might not be…could be…could get to…and what not. I was scared to death I was going to say the wrong thing, look the wrong way and have this old bat running up my ass. As if I am not used to dealing with my fair share of asshole old ladies?

                                                                                  Look… my Grandmother after she smacked me in the face with birthday cake…after I got her first.

                                                                                                                                                 5 generations of bitchy women

But this was someone else’s old lady, not my own, I couldn’t simply tell her to eat me and get her to shut up! She has bad vision and bad hearing so I planned to talk loud and stand close…turning me into “Morgan’s special friend who creeps me out by standing on top of me and won’t stop screaming at me!” ugh! I just kinda ignored her…yep. I made Raigen the sacrificial lamb, what old lady hates kids? (All of them!) Maybe Raigen and Morgan’s bad hair (Grandma’s words, not mine!) distracted her from me!? Or….maybe I drank wine by the gulp and had sex in the bathroom to relieve some stress….maybe Morgan and her mother danced like stoners at a Lilith Fair just after Morgan’s mom stole her elderly fathers scooter, maybe I laughed so hard I peed my pants as I was standing up in front of everyone and getting their picture, maybe Morgan photobombed every picture taken at her party and not just the ones I took! Yea…that sounds more like it….

Here, enjoy!!

                                                                                                         I was laughing so hard for all of these that almost every single one is blurry!

                                                                                                            A shot of someone else’s picture of the family…yep, there’s Morgan.

We had a great day really. I love this family. I love that I get to call them my own. Ugh, love. I haven’t laughed this much and felt this good in a very long time if at all. Never for this long that’s for sure. And not only because of them but because of the progress I’ve made within myself. I’ve done so much work in regards to growing and developing and what not…I’m getting there, I can see me.

This was the first half of our day, the second half was spent on the boat, weeeee….I have great shots from that too but I wanted to save this update for the birthday alone…what a great time….

Ohh random, at one point I fished a piece of paper out of a glass of someone’s wine with  my fingers, Morgan’s mom came over and drank it and I whispered the best thing in her ear I’ve ever said! Guess what it was?


{love love love}

I had a couple days at home before I picked up our daughter from her fathers parents. We’ve had an interesting relationship from day one to say the least.  You can almost touch the judging it’s so thick in the air between us when they set eyes on me, it’s glorious. Our daughter had been with them off and on while her father was to have her. You see he wants full custody but doesn’t have what it takes to actually have full custody, 9 times out of 10 his parents have her. 9 times out of 10 they don’t return my calls or answer the phone when I call to inquire about my kiddo…I love them.

I still had a house filled to the gills with boxes and crap so I had planned on trying my hardest to get as much of that under control as possible…the airport nightmare had me stressed and unable to even want to get out of bed the next day, I did here and there but made no real good progress on the house until the next day. Might not of gotten it all in order but you can now almost walk in it! YAY!

The next day I met with my super awesome and horribly nice (ahem) mother in law and to my effing horror our daughter lost her 2nd baby tooth and not a single person thought her primary caregiver would want to know…ya know, the one person who she’s spent almost the entire duration of her 6.5 years with, ya know, me, her mom, santa, the tooth fairy, the fucking life source and sole reason she is alive and thriving and as balanced as she is…thank you! Thank you more for not telling me, not knowing where the tooth is and not giving it to me when I asked…god you are so awesome. Is that why your son is so great? yea….

Any how, I hadn’t told her she was about to fly for the first time, about to leave the state and see things she had never seen…I also didn’t tell her she would be seeing her Morgan. I dunno who loves Morgan more, me or the kiddo!

I packed up her stuff and finally told her…she was over the moon! BUT I didn’t tell her about Morgan still! I made that the real surprise.

The car ride to the airport was filled with excitement, she was so ready to fly. We parked our car at a lot and took a bus over to the airport, then took a little monorail from one side to the other and finally got to our gate. She pressed her little face to the window and watched as the huge plans were towed around the tarmac and marveled at their size.

She was so adorable pulling her little suitcase with her beloved E.T. tied to the handle.

She is such a great kid. I know everyone thinks this of their children, or they should and rightfully so, if you’ve done it right you can see all of your own perfections in your child and some of the ones you didn’t even know you had. You can see the ambition and the hope in their little faces, you can sit and watch the gears turn as they go through something new, which is daily! I don’t know that we give kids enough credit, hell I dunno that I do either. Every single day they are learning and developing, every minute of the day they are mimicking what they see and how we tell them to be etc kids are amazing. Our daughter especially. But any how, she trusted me so much in this process and it really helped my anxiety. I had just recently flown alone and was scared to death but because I had he little eyes on me I had to be a big girl and show her how it’s done. I did explain to her that it was okay to be nervous, that I was, it was natural and a lot of people were nervous about doing something new, about crowds, about flying and so on and that those feelings were perfectly fine. Just make sure you talk about them and not hold them in or they get out of control and unbearable. It worked, she was a brave little peach and went through it all with out a hitch.

We had a layover in Detroit that only lasted about 30 minutes, Raigen hammed it up for the attendants before we all got to sit and figure out who the extra person was on the plane…that added another 30+ minutes to the flight, blegh.

The lady who sat in front of us on the second leg of the flight was reading the raunchiest book. Well at least the title and chapter names were! The book was “Assholes finish first” yea, read it and get it. And a chapter was titled “The things I put up with for pussy” uh huh. No really, here is a shot!  She was flying alone and sitting next to a mother and child, she kept sitting awkwardly as she tried to block the text from her neighbor. I mean really…is it THAT important?! ….now I want to read the book and the one that he wrote before it….ugh.


When we got off the plane Raigen ran into her new Grandfathers arms like they had always known one another, kids are so sensitive to energy it’s beautiful.

At this time the el kiddo is going through a rough time as far as her eating goes. While I was her stay at home parent and we lived in the same house as her father she ate really well. Now that his parents and him have her by themselves a lot more often she eats a lot of pre-packaged crap and of course has developed a taste for it versus real food…that’s frustrating. This is the kid who forced me to go vegan for over a year, now she won’t eat half of what she favored before, ugh. It’s normal. She’s showing control over something in a time of uncertainty to her, I welcome that independence and love that she feels she can speak her mind…doesn’t mean I don’t want to cry about the set backs. The benefits are far greater then the stresses right now so it’s just something we have to work with and get over.

We had a great time exploring together, she absolutely fell in love with the river here, who wouldn’t?!

I have some really really pretty shots of her in the river and at the falls that I am hoping to sit down and properly edit here soon. I am starting up a few projects and for sure will make time to get these awesome moments up for everyone.

Bringing her to the falls meant the world to me. I want to explore with her. I want her to see the life outside of the bubble that is where she grew up. I want her to see the world and I would love to see it right along with her. I especially love her being in nature, I grew up outside in the woods but never was exposed to mountains and waterfalls. I love that she has at such a young age. Who knows what that inspires inside of her heart. Hopefully a lot that she’ll carry with her forever.

Tomorrow is my birthday, I am hoping to spend time with her and Morgan down there tomorrow. Raigen wanted us both down there so bad the last weekend Mo was here but she was busy with school stuff and time was tight so it was her and I again…Raigen ended up slipping on a rock and scaring the wits out of me so we wrapped it up quick! Ha…man how different I am from my parents.



We did explore another side of the river together that day though…Raigen got some pricklies from a bush I bumped into when I was there before and I slipped and jammed my toe…Morgan on the other hand…unscathed. Hrms.












{When it rains…}

I only had a week left before I was to fly home alone. I had rode with Morgan from Florida to NY so I had no car waiting for me when I got off the plan in Florida. I had set up a rental to be waiting for me and looked forward to just getting off the plane, getting in the car, driving 3 hours and being home with the cats finally! I dreaded being home alone..but still, I kept holding onto the positive.

Morgan came from Boston to drive me to the airport, this was my first time saying bye to her…usually we said bye and SHE left, this was not awesome. My flight ended up being delayed because of a water leak of some sort that they couldn’t figure out, we sat there for over an hour waiting for them to figure it all out, I’m still not sure if they ever did. Morgan didn’t want to leave in case the flight was cancelled so she sat in the cafe and waited while I hung out by the gate. I wouldn’t of been able to hear them over the intercom had I come back through security to her so we had no choice but to sit a apart for over an hour…awesome. Finally we were boarding, I said goodbye over the phone and picked my seat.

I proceeded to sit next to a 5 year old who held my hand and played with my hair for the next 3 hours or so…I had a wild night with Morgan and hadn’t showered so I am sure I smelled like sex still and worse yet, my hair had a very interesting texture to it and my fingernails had DNA in the edges…god help me. The little girl would take my hand, reach over and take her moms and force us to hold hands…all I kept thinking about was where that hand was before, ugh!

Any how, I got off the plan, called Mo to let her know I landed and happily walked to the rental spot. Morgan was going to spend the weekend at her folks place, taking a bit of a break from Boston and life and just enjoying the quiet. Well….

My bank had a fraud issue just before we left and they issued me a temp. card…the car rental place didn’t take temp. cards even though I just made a reservation 2 weeks prior (for the move!) with my normal card and the accounts were the same, they refused to call the bank, wouldn’t take cards over the phone etc. I was fucked. I had no other means of renting a car since they all needed a card on file paying with cash wasn’t an option, I mean I could pay them in cash if I had an acceptable card to put on file with it, FUCK! I was starting to panic…here I was 3 hours from home just off a flight that took twice as long just about and now I was fucked and had no idea how I was getting home. Morgan was my saving grace…my god was she. I walked to every rental car desk and got shot down by all of them, Morgan kept calm and tried to get me to do the same even though I was now crying because 1) I hated having to leave in the first place 2)I have social anxiety and the airport is a huge issue for me and here I was alone…fuck it and 3) I had no way of getting home even though I was exhausted and willing to pay!

My flight landed at about 4:30pm…thanks to the events that unfolded I didn’t walk through my front door until after 1am. That’s right…1 am. It took me as long to fly as it would of if I drove from New York to home!

Morgan found a bus company that would pick me up at the airport and drive me home for only $40 bucks! Way cheaper then the car was going to be, and then a cab would take me home for about $20, awesome!! The whole thing was flawless…I mean I had to sit in the airport for 6 hours but I did it! lol.

Morgan did so well…god she really did. In that moment all I had was myself and her and man she pulled through. I’ve never felt safer in such a shitty moment then I did then with her on the phone.

Together we can do anything… or together she can get me through anything, damn! What a nightmare. Fuck you Budget rental.



{Boston bound}

One weekend Morgan and I decided to hit Boston for a change. It required her to drive here after work Friday (a 4 hour drive) and then turn around Saturday and go back to Boston only to drive BACK to NY Sunday and back again. Sheesh. I asked her 100 times if she was sure this was what she wanted to do, once she gets her mind set there is no changing it! For someone that is so eager to please and second guesses herself way to often, every once in awhile she gets locked into something and doesn’t budge. This was one of those times. As if I was going to argue too much? I looked forward to any time I had with her and if we got to explore a new city all the better.

On the way dear ol good girl Mo got pulled over for speeding…luckily the officer had a dog with chronic diarrhea  and Morgan is one of the nicest people in the entire world and gave him a free veterinarian consult right there on the side of the highway.

We FINALLY got into Boston and just headed straight into the city instead of going by the house she was staying at. I have to admit, I’m thankful it was a slow gradual ride into the chaos that is downtown…

When you have severe social issues being thrown into a bustling city like downtown Boston can make you physically ache and really want to cry. I think I handled it well. I talked myself down from the flight response, refusing to let anxiety stand between me and making memories with my love. And it worked! I proceeded to have one of the best days of my life with one of the best things to happen to me.

Like a couple of junkies we cached right quick in Boston…Morgan found this one! It was a tiny little micro hidden between the railings of a church, awesome find for sure. Was a good time writing our name on that tiny scroll.


She snapped this one of us. I actually really like it. I love the way we look at one another. Since day one she’s stared so longingly at me and my own looks of adoration have grown stronger by the day with her. I love us and can not say that enough. I am so happy to finally be this happy. I’ve found my life partner…wow… I’ve never been completed this much and loved this much ya know why? Because I never allowed anyone to love me like this, not a single person was just right until she came along. I saved a lot of me for her.

We also found me the bestest rainboots ever. I’ve been on the hunt for a good pair for over a year now and while I haven’t tried to hard to find em I have looked here and there…well like anything, you should just let it go and leave it up to the Universe and you’ll be amazed. I did and look…I found the perfect pair all the way up in Boston and for half as much as the others I had looked at! I loooove them to pieces!

I was so pleased with the weather in Boston, it was warm during the day but nice and breezy and as the sun went down it became cooler to the point where I was kinda chilly, ack. We walked around and around taking in all the sights together. While she had been there for a few weeks she had yet to explore extensively so a lot of the things that night were new for both of us. I was having such a great time I grabbed few pictures 😦 Blegh.

We ate a yummy dinner of honey shrimp and some really yummy scallops, the sweet and salty combo was great. We then huddled around our little iron pot of warm tea and tried to stay semi-comfortable during the rest of dinner, ha. We got dessert but ended up getting it to go and walking around some more. She took me to the highest building there and I got to see all the twinkling lights and hustling cars from what felt like the top of the world. It was so amazing to be up that high even if the elevator ride up about made me die…god that’s terrifying to watch the numbers tick away!

We then got some more dessert and walked back home where we half assed ate and actually passed out…we made up for that in the morning 😛

What am I leaving out?

I started my period the second we got into the city…stress? Lack of stress? no idea but the timing was crap. Morgan didn’t think so… I’ll apologize now to the staff at whatever restaurant bathroom it was we ran into right quick.

Oh and the house the was staying in…wow…I can’t even word it, I took videos but they don’t do it justice. It was…interesting…

Time to leave came way to fast, I was actually very sad to see Boston for the last time.

We found a little cafe called The Other Side which is so flipping cute. That place pulled out all sorts of drive and want from me. They had a great mixed menu which offered almost all of it in vegan form which I love. The waffle sandwich sent Morgan into a literal panic…she really wigged out at the size of it and changed her order to a smaller more easily Dommed dish. I went with a vegetarian burrito which was yums. We also split a chocolate chip waffle which is really becoming our thing wherever we can get it. Theirs was epic homemade goodness and ugh….my favorite restaurant coffee thus far.

We got a couple cups to go and wandered down the street a bit letting our food digest before getting in the car. We stumbled upon the life is good store. I did a life is good themed cache and really fell in love with the company and their story. More and more everyday I am falling in love with the underdog and the story of success that emerges from a good place versus corporate greed. Not that these guys are the underdog by any means, they’re simply relatable and not backed by a celebrity or looking to get rich, they’re looking to spread their message and make people happy. Isn’t that what we all want? Or should?

On the way out of the city the sadness hit me…I cried and cried…I really hurt when we’re a part. She does as well but she usually does a really great job of hiding it, thinking she has to be this rock for me. We drove by a billboard that read “Every challenge is an opportunity” It became a mantra of sorts…I swear that’ll be something I repeat to myself daily. It’s true, it is. I had to stop myself and look at the big picture and see what lessons I had learned and had to go still versus the emotion on the surface.

I still hate being so far apart especially when we’re both going through so much, but the Universe works in interesting ways, often we don’t understand them until well after the fact.


{Taking me with you}

As we neared NY I was talking to Morgan about whatever it was and I said the date…we both looked at one another, I repeated it and we both gasped, she had messed up and we in fact had an extra day together in NY versus what we thought would be only 1 night! Yay. One day makes a world of difference when you’re missing your other half.

I don’t remember what we did, it all is such a wonderful blur with her and her family. We did try to take the boat out which was a 2 hour drive one way only for it to sadly have mechanical problems. Not a complete loss though, we got to spend time together like 2 kids as we rode in the backseat of her parents SUV. They also stopped so I could see a wind-turbine up close! Wow, the sound they make is so soothing. What an amazing feeling to be standing in the shadow of something so wonderful.


                                                                                                                     horsing around while we should be helping launch the boat.


We both agreed that this time was hard. I didn’t enjoy saying good bye to her the first time why would this time be better? Our good byes get longer and longer and while she tried to leave early it was almost dark by the time she got in her car and was ready to head to Boston, which was a 4 hour drive. Before she left her son had to be a turd AGAIN and get loose and run as far as he could before she finally found him with the help of his sister! She loves being the one to sniff him out, you’ll never see a puppy more proud of herself, I swear she grins!

This time I cried only a little but felt the loss so horribly it was hard to pretend to be happy when I missed her so much. Over the next few days it wore off but of course we still missed one another. I would write her nightly emails since the cards are all done and she would call me in the morning on her way to work and smile into the phone at my groggy hello’s. I loved hearing about her day and about the woman she was staying with out there while doing her externship.

She made the drive to NY on the weekend, leaving work Friday and coming over just to turn around and leave Sunday late afternoon/early evening. One weekend she even drove here on Friday, picked me up and took me back with her just to drop me off Sunday. That was single-handedly  the best mini-weekend ever. What a blast.


{A blast in a bottle}

We decided to bring the dogs with us this go around to NY. We were home just a handful of days all together, not long enough for the cats to stop missing us, poor kids.

This time we would have even more junk seeing as how we had to load huge bags of dog food, cases of wet food and bags of treats as well as our belongings AND the dogs. We had to be very strategic in how we placed things, packing my hoop on the bottom, padding it and laying everything else over and around it, giving the dogs a comfy little nest to rest in as they slipped into their benadryl comas. If only it were fast acting…or acting at all!

Morgan surprised me with a new chocolate chip muffin from a local shop and we stopped for yummy cuban sandwiches before hitting the road for real. Well as real as we could seeing as how the car acts like a laxative for her one dog and we had to stop shortly after starting to let him go…then we were off…

Her male dog paces, pants and otherwise makes you nervous as hell when he’s in the car with you and her female just gets in the car, turns around, faces the corner or the backseat and doesn’t move or blink for the entire trip however long. We’re convinced she’s going inward and having a break down.

Check out her son though, not him, no inward nothing…just straight out in your face trying to get into the front seat despite there being almost no room for the humans!

His eyes in the last one kill me! He looks like he’s going insane…god knows we were. Morgan tried to create a barricade but he could of cared less and kept pushing through all the stuff and drooling all down our arms and panting in our ears, christ. What a long 2 days, haha.

We ended up smuggling them into a hotel and crashing for the night in some town in some state. It was a non-smoking room that smelled like smoke and the only hotel room I’ve ever been in that wasn’t carpeted.

We ended up stopping yet again at another Big Lots. You might ask what the obsession is, well we’re on the hunt for our favorite root beer and more importantly, the best drink to mix with spiced rum. One night out of desperation I mixed this root beer we had gotten a bottle of with my rum since I had no coke. My life has never been the same! We went back to our Big Lots and they had no regular left, only diet which is not the same. The regular is so yummy and vanilla. So any how, we stop at everyone we get within 5 miles of and man we hit it finally! In Mechanicsville, Virginia of all places. I had gone in for some stuff for Raigen and looked but saw no root beer. Well Morgan comes strolling in and vanishes, as I am walking out the door to go sit in the car I see her with a cart and a shit ton of our regular root beer! They had 2 separate spots for it and I missed one! YAY! We then had to stick them one by one in random spots in the car because we really had no room this go around. We ended up with bottles in the weirdest places.

And finally I got to hear Morgan yell at her son! I never thought I’d see the day, haha. It was at a gas station and as she opened the door he went bolting out into the parking lot causing her to have to chase him barefoot across the hot parking lot. He’s such a chump!

We made it through the backwoods of NY again but this time going in and in the dark…I was scared shitless as we threaded our way in and out and up and down these winding and pitching roads in the mountains, it was terrifiing in her car! I thought for sure we were going to get into an accident, not just that but one that causes us to explode on impact, they would just find pieces of all of this shit and bottle caps from the root beer all over the mountains.

We made it to her folks house…alive…just before midnight.

Randomness from the trip there:









Well I decided that since I had met Morgan’s dad, mom and step-father that it was only right for her to meet someone important in my life, my Grandmother. We penciled in time to go down to see her, after all it’s a 5 hour drive after doing 2 days, Christ. We rested for a day, loaded up the dogs and hit the road for her place. It was interesting to have Morgan in the space I was in when our paths first crossed. She had seen a lot via skype and same for me with her space, but to be in it together blows me away. She pictured things much bigger, hehehe.

Grandma and Mo got along so very well, I knew they would. Grandma liked her from day one over skype and the phone and meeting in person was no different. They seemed like old buddies, notice a theme?! My autistic uncle also warmed up nicely, Morgan really took to him and like me, got him out of his shell a bit. We all 3 hit some local thrift shops and took Mo to one of my favorite eateries in town. John Smith Subs…if you’re going to eat shit, eat good shit.

Our time together went by too fast for sure. I miss her. As we all hugged goodbye she grabbed Morgan, hugged her tight and long and let her go. As Morgan and I pulled out of the driveway Morgan told me that as my Grandmother embraced her she whispered “Thank you for making her happy” …. it took my breath away and still sends me soaring. I love her so very much. If my Grandmother is happy with my choices in life and those I choose to share my life with then what more can I ask for?

It was going to be an interesting few days after that…Morgan was going to drop me off at my ex’s so I could pack the rest of my things and she was to go visit her Dad and sister down south from there. I hated going back there…I hated her leaving me there…I hated it all…I contemplated just leaving all my stuff behind, I mean after all, at some point in my life I want to live simply, right? Ugh.

I packed and packed and packed and dealt with the petty drama that is a bitter ex and before I knew it I was driving the biggest vehicle I had ever driven and loading it to the gills with my things…then she came and we loaded my cats and hit the road for the long drive home, finally.But before…we hit my last cache in that town…Morgan found it, I was so darn proud of her!!

It rained almost the entire way but I didn’t mind. I had rented a truck in my own name and had it full of my things and was headed up to my house where I was living my life, who gives a shit if it were raining, the place could of been on fire and I still would not of been able to stop smiling. Morgan was so proud, her face was priceless…god I love her being proud of me. *sigh* We got home very late and just unloaded the cats and left a lot of stuff in the truck for the next day. Which we got another late start on thanks to now having to pick up HER car 2.5 hours away! By the time we got back it was uber late but we had over half of a truck to unload…in the dark…in the rain, all alone. Ya know what? We did it! We unloaded it for hours, returned the truck and fell asleep tangled in one another…the love in that room was incredible.

I finally had my cats, my entire family was now in the house and we were merging big time. My 3 fatties and her gaggle of furred kids…my 3 were pissed off, still are! I hope one day her kids will teach mine a little something about loosening up, I’m learning that lesson from her so maybe we can learn together!

Our little house is so jammed to the gills it’s hard to move around, I keep panicking about being on an episode of hoarders if anyone were to come in and not know the story, god I hate clutter! As I write this I am still out of town (August 2nd) so the house is still a bit rough around the edges to put it politely, can’t wait to dive head first into it in a week!

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